Here at the World’s Shyest Band’s Myspace site, we always listen to what our “fans” have to say. Some of them say things like, “I’m not a fan, don’t call me that!” (ha-ha! We know you’re just ribbing us, you crazy guys!). Others say, “Please quit posting these lame-ass blogs!” (ha-ha! What a buncha characters!).
Yes, and now and then, someone comes forward with a sweetly moving personal story of hearts touched, of lives improved, of souls inspired and transformed by our music…
Well, actually, this has never, ever happened. Not once. So we make up the stories ourselves, such as how Trevor “Teensy” Terwilliger got his groove back. Read Teensy’s touching tale NOW (see below) and keep a box of tissue nearby because you’re gonna cry, I promise. It’s like chicken soup for the tear ducts, I’m telling you … whatever that means.
Oh, and, then, once you’ve read it, why not give the songs a listen … please? Just this once, for God’s sake? What the hell else do you have to do on a Monday morning? Don’t try to tell me you’re working. That’s bullshit, and we both know it. You’re playing on Myspace, looking for hot new girls or guys to add as friends, posting comments on your pals’ pages that only your pals understand because they’re “inside jokes,” which, frankly, pisses us off because you never post comments on OUR page, inside jokes or not, and we have feelings, too, you know….
Anyhoo …. take it away, Teensy!!!!
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Ordinarily, I don’t fill this blog page with writings that did not emanate from my own stupendous brain (or Quentin’s, which is far more stupendous), but I shall make an exception in this case. I wag my tail, metaphorically speaking, in honor of the author of these little ditties, however metrically dubious they may occasionally be:
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By licking your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Mailman fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor’s cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot – no greater bliss – well,
Maybe catching cats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.
The cat is not all
Bad – she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence-why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation.
My owners’ mood is
Romantic- I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
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The World’s Shyest Band is positively mortified to announce that FOUR NEW SONGS have been posted on The Lapse page. Why should you care, you wonder? We have no idea. We would, in fact, appreciate it if you wouldn’t listen to them because we find all the attention pretty embarrassing. But if no one’s left any “funny” comments on your page lately and you just can’t read one more bulletin titled “PLEASE COMMENT MY PICS!,” then visit The Lapse and torture your hapless ears with such utterly forgettable tunes as…..
“Freaks in Love” - Who says The Lapse can’t write a rocker? Well, everyone, actually. But do we give a damn? Yes, yes, we do. It hurts our feelings, frankly. Which is why we wrote this song, in a vain attempt to prove everybody wrong. But we probably failed….
“Every Word You Said” - When love finally falls apart, sometimes it’s the little details that you remember…
“The Rain Queen” - She died young before her time….
“Forget Everything” - Love doesn’t follow any rules and it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be…
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